Never Alone

I waited for You today
But You didn't show;
No, no, no...
I needed You today,
So where did You go?
You told me to call,
Said You'd be there,
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know--
You're here and I'm never alone.

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life,
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me.
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know--
You're here and I'm never alone.

We cannot separate,

'Cause You're part of me.
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know--
You're here and I'm never alone.

The Camp

A friend discovered this article and shared it, and I thought I would share with you also. You don't have to be a superhero to impact someone's world for the better.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002356.cfm

Raining on the inside

When all goodbyes
Are said and done,
And nighttime finds you home,
Are you all right
To spend a night
Of being all alone?

And do you hide
Between the lines
Of conversations past?
A wall of words,
A heart unheard,
That hides behind a mask?

I'm raining on the inside;
My heart wells up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

When friends who care
Can't be there
To ease away my pain,
And peace of mind,
It's hard to find,
Like sunlight in the rain.

God sees my heart,
The deepest part,
Inside this lonely me,
And reachin' in,
His love begins
To heal the heart in me.

I'm raining on the inside;
Oh, my heart weels up with tears that start to pour.
I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Sometimes we're raining on the inside,
And our hearts well up with tears that start to pour.
But when we're raining on the inside,
Let His cries of love break through,
Know that He loves you, once more....

Sometimes I'm raining on the inside,
But then Your cries of love break through,
And I fall in love with You once more.

Amy Grant

Hymn

O Jesus, I have promised

To serve Thee to the end;

Be Thou for ever near me,

My Master and my Friend:

I shall not fear the battle

If Thou art by my side,

Nor wander from the pathway

If Thou wilt be my Guide.

O let me feel Thee near me:

The world is ever near;

I see the sights that dazzle,

The tempting sounds I hear;

My foes are ever near me,

Around me and within;

But, Jesus, draw Thou nearer,

And shield my soul from sin.

O let me hear Thee speaking

In accents clear and still,

Above the storms of passion,

The murmurs of self-will;

O speak to reassure me,

To hasten or control;

O speak, and make me listen,

Thou Guardian of my soul.

O Jesus, Thou hast promised,

To all who follow Thee,

That where Thou art in glory

There shall Thy servant be;

And, Jesus, I have promised

To serve Thee to the end;

O give me grace to follow,

My Master and my Friend.

John Ernest Bode, 1816-74

How Beautiful

How beautiful the Hands that served

The wine and the bread and the sons of the earth.

How beautiful the Feet that walked

The long dusty roads and the hill to the cross.

How beautiful... How beautiful... How beautiful is the body of Christ.

How beautiful the Heart that bled

That took all my sin and bore it instead.

How beautiful the tender Eyes,

That choose to forgive and never despise.

How beautiful... How beautiful... How beautiful is the body of Christ.

And as He lay down His life,

We offer this sacrifice:

That we will live just as He died,

Willing to pay the price...

Willing to pay the price.

How beautiful the radiant bride

Who waits for her Groom with His light in her eyes.

How beautiful when humble hearts give

The fruit of pure lives so that others may live.

How beautiful... How beautiful... How beautiful is the body of Christ.

How beautiful the feet that bring

The sound of good news and the love of the King.

How beautiful the hands that serve

The wine and the bread and the sons of the earth.

How beautiful... How beautiful... How beautiful is the body of Christ.

Music & Lyrics by Twila Paris

Lost in a musical reverie

I love how music can cause my heart to ache with sorrow or happiness...

how music stimulates my imagination...

how music can cause me to feel completely and utterly engaged when I hear it...

how music teaches me more and more about myself...

how music can convey powerful messages without a word...

Last night I had a musical experience that ranks up there with some of my most cherished memories. I was one of over 300 musicians on stage that performed Verdi's Requiem in front of a sell-out audience at the Melbourne Town Hall. I cannot even begin to describe the thrill of emotions I and my fellow musicians experienced, truly a case of music speaking where words fail. I am so utterly, utterly blessed to be studying music.

Matthew 6:25-34

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Spring loveliness

Stop. Take a breath, a deep breath. Count to 10, or 20 if you like, or pick some completely random number just for fun. Look around you. Notice the colours, textures, pictures around you. Listen.

As it seems to be the first gloriously sunshiny spring day in Melbourne for the year, I thought I'd stop and appreciate it. So, taking an old tablecloth to sit on, myself, my pillow, my journal, a book, and my laptop, out into the garden I went to reacquaint myself with spring. Yes, it is finally here!! The soft breeze, the differing shades of green and foliage emerging, and the buzzing insects are strangely calming to me (well, maybe not the insects!), and I find myself so glad to be alive. As I've mentioned on here earlier, I've never been a fan of lugubrious winters, no matter how cozy it may feel to sit in front of a roaring fire with friends.

Moments like this make me wonder how amazing eternity will be. It's a concept we mere mortals cannot fully grasp, and at times scares me, but when I look at the beauty of God's creation even despite the consequences of the fall, and flip through endless pages of God's promises in my Bible... well, words fail. How great is God? I cannot answer, I have not the depth of words or understanding to respond as I ought. All I know is, as Isaac Watts poetically expresses it,

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

Such were an offering far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

No matter what trials and troubles may come at me tomorrow, I just want to be thankful for the gift of today. :-)

Join all the glorious names

Join all the glorious names

Of wisdom, love, and power,

That ever mortals knew,

That angels ever bore:

All are too mean to speak His worth,

Too mean to set my Saviour forth.

Great Prophet of my God,

My tongue would bless Thy Name;

By Thee the joyful news

Of our salvation came, --

The joyful news of sins forgiven,

Of hell subdued, and peace with heaven.

Jesus, my great High Priest,

Offered His blood and died;

My guilty conscience seeks

No sacrifice beside:

His powerful blood did once atone,

And now it pleads before the throne.

My dear Almighty Lord,

My Conqueror and my King,

Thy scepter and Thy sword,

Thy reigning grace, I sing:

Thine is the power: behold, I sit

In willing bonds before Thy feet.

Now let my soul arise,

And tread the tempter down:

My Captain leads me forth

To conquest and a crown:

A feeble saint shall win the day,

Though death and hell obstruct the way.

Isaac Watts, 1674-1748

Joy

It's been a while, I know, since my last post here. I've done the odd thing or two, got a job, returned to uni, rediscovered my love of cooking, cuddled a newborn baby, laughed, cried, met new people, explored new places... so I guess it's not that surprising that this blog of mine has suffered!

I think I must ask you to forgive me in advance, for I strongly suspect this post will ramble. I know not where it will take me, truth be told, for I feel an outburst of joy within me and it seems to be spilling out into everything I do today. So if you are hoping for a strongly edited, structured, and disciplined post such as I usually try to publish, I'm afraid you will be disappointed. But then again, maybe you won't be, as you are introduced to yet another intriguing facet of this writer!

Joy. It's a wonderful word. It's a wonderful emotion, perhaps treasured all the more by people who have suffered, people who have been hurting. It's like seeing a beautiful sunrise on an early morning. It comes upon you all of a sudden, and suddenly you are glad to be alive again. But how do we find this joy? Why do some people seem to have it *all* the time? Is it just an attitude, or is it a decision? Can it be both?

I hope you don't expect me to answer all those questions, for you and I would be here an awfully long time if I tried, but as I ponder these questions I think about who or what gives me joy. Not surprisingly my list contains my family, music, and... my Saviour!! My family gives me joy as I encounter their precious personalities, their foibles, their love, their dedication to serving God through their lives. Music gives me joy as I enter a world unseen, as I encounter expressions of human emotion or depictions of scenes and storylines in a precious language. And my Saviour gives me joy through who He is, what He has done for me, and my day by day relationship with Him.

It's the joy I find in Jesus that deepens and enhances the joy I find in everything else, for He is the most precious Person I have in my life. My family, while I love them dearly, are mere mortals like myself and cannot sustain me every moment of every day, for they have their own cares and concerns too! Music, whilst a wonderful gift, is not a living being, and thus cannot understand me. If I pour out my feelings to a piano, it will not play me a concerto in response in and of itself. It needs a living being to bring it to life. So music also has its failings. But Jesus is always with me, even to the ends of the earth. He sees into my very soul, and amazingly loves me despite my failings and impurities. He gives meaning to my life, for through Him

I can come into the presence of my Heavenly Father, the One who created the universe complete.

God gives us family. God gives us music. But He also gives us Himself and His Word, the greatest Gift any human can receive. Through the ups and downs of life, the joys and the deepest sorrows, His the best joy, the best love, the best comfort we can ever know.

My life flows on in endless song

Above earth's lamentation

I hear the sweet though far off hymn

That hails a new creation:

Through all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing;

It finds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

What though my joys and comforts die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What though the darkness gather round!

Songs in the night He giveth:

No storm can shake my inmost calm

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of Heav'n and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;

I see the blue above it;

And day by day this pathway smoothes

Since first I learned to love it:

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,

A fountain ever springing;

All things are mine since I am His--

How can I keep from singing?

Robert Lowry, 1860

Ponderings

This afternoon I acted on an impulse and read through my previous journal, curious to rediscover the Bronwyn Nicholson of only a few years ago. Wow, talk about a fascinating & interesting hour! I laughed, recalled precious and bittersweet memories, felt older & wiser, and, at times, felt strangely sad and inexperienced compared to Bronwyn-the-16/17-year-old. In so many entries she appears a lot older and wiser than I remember her to be. Interesting. I can't help but wonder what she would think of me as I am now. I then idly ponder whether somewhere, someday, someone will stumble across my writings and what they would think of the person they discover inside...

One thing that struck me as I read was the proof God has been faithful throughout my life. Looking back I can see how His hand was guiding me, even during times where I couldn't sense it. I also see how pleas and prayers I cried out in my distress were answered in ways I did not expect. These are the lyrics to Christian singer Brooke Fraser's song, "Faithful," and I think I know what she means now...

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave;

I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might.

I cannot sense You close, though I know You're always here,

But the comfort of You near is what I long for.

(Chorus)

When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same;

When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray;

And I want You more than I want to live another day;

And as I wait for You, maybe I'm made more faithful.

All the folly of the past -- though I know it is undone

I still feel the guilty one still trying to make it right.

So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue,

Knowing You're the only One who knows me.

You know me...

(Chorus)

Show me how I should live this...

Show me where I should walk...

I count this world as loss to me,

You are all I want.

You are all I want.

(Chorus)

How can I keep from singing?

Winter. Gloomy, dreary, winter. I'm ashamed to say I've become a little scared of winter ever since we replaced the blustery, sunshiny Brisbane winter days with the cold, dark, miserable Melbourne equivalent just over seven years ago. Many of the darkest days of my short life have occurred during Melbourne's winter, and, try as I might, I never seem to shake off the feeling of dread when the days shorten and the darkness subtly begins to creep in. Oh, I know there is beauty, music, and poetry in these long months, but it is grey, melancholic, and causes my soul to ache. This year I'm finding it worse than usual, for I'm missing my sunshiny sister, Fiona, who is half-way across the globe. I'm glad she is fulfilling her dream to travel in Europe, and would not wish her here if I could, but oh, I miss her!

Music both helps and hurts me during these times. As a musician, I cannot help but find delight in determining the thoughts and cares hidden in my heart from the world and expressing them through melody and harmony. When winter causes these secrets to become burdensome and disheartening, even the music I play pains me, but it hurts more to remain silent. Oh, of course there are wondrous moments of joy interspersed in these months, but they are all-too-quickly swallowed up.

This year, I'm determined to fight these winter blues. I'm not doing a great job so far, I know, but I want to enjoy and acknowledge God's goodness all year round, not just when the sun is shining. My battle-plan is simple: I will sing. Yes, I'm determined to use music to my advantage in this case, consciously singing a song or two each morning, whether hymns, choruses, or songs by Christian musicians that I like. Singing is beautiful, anyone can do it, any place, any time, although some places may be more appropriate than others! No one sings exactly the same as you do, so singing praise to God is a very special personal worship and devotion. There are numerous passages in the Bible that draw attention to the importance of praise, but I fell into the trap of thinking praise was reserved for Sunday worship. Now I realize my error, I want to say like David the psalmist, "I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." (Ps. 34:1)

Yes, winter is gloomy, but God is good. All the time. How can I keep from singing?!

Be Thou my Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my Heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul's Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Ancient Irish hymn;

Translated into English in 1908 by Mary E. Byrne;

Set to verses in 1912 by Eleanor H. Hull.

What I've learned from William Wilberforce

This evening I subdued my 'stick-in-the-mud' nature and crept out into society for a night of friendship, pizza, and movie with my sister and some friends. As well as a lovely time spent cultivating new and old friendships, I was especially touched by the movie we watched, "Amazing Grace," the story of William Wilberforce and his endeavours to abolish the slave trade in Great Britain. Although I'd seen this movie twice before, the story resonated within me tonight as it had never done before, and I was startled to find myself blinking back tears.

Wilberforce and his supporters changed their world. Slave traders were cruel beyond description in their treatment of the African slaves, but many of the current politicians' hearts were hardened when faced with the plight of these poor people. The financial benefit produced by the slave traders was a greater concern to these men than the welfare of their fellow human beings. Wilberforce, however, was haunted by accounts how African men, women, and children were transported across the oceans in conditions not fit for animals to survive, let alone humans created in the image of God. Having recently become a Christian (One of my favourite quotes from "Amazing Grace": "Have you found God, sir?" Wilberforce, "I think He found me."), Wilberforce first thought he would need to quit politics in order to serve God, but he was urged by friends that by fighting to abolish the slave trade, he was serving God using the gifts he had been given. This encourages me, because it is easy to think we are not able to "change the world" unless we go out and do something extraordinarily spectacular. Not so! Wilberforce was a politician --a brilliant one, to be sure-- and God used him *as a politician* not as a missionary, nor a martyr. Even so, God can use each of us in the workplaces, communities, families, countries, even universities that we find ourselves living in today just as he uses missionaries and martyrs in lands hostile to the Gospel.

The other point that I took out from the movie was how long the battle raged before slavery was abolished. I am awestruck when I consider Wilberforce campaigned for twenty years or so to persuade the British Parliament to pass his bill. *Twenty* years!!!! Yes, he experienced times of discouragement, but he never lost his passion to eradicate the inhumane treatment towards the African people. While it is easy for us in the 21st century to express horror from our armchairs at the thought of what those slaves endured centuries ago, especially when you believe God created all men equal, Wilberforce publically spoke out against his own countrymen and encountered much slander, condemnation, and betrayal along the way. No doubt God strengthened him to endure these hardships and sustained him throughout those seemingly endless years of fruitless labour.

William Wilberforce's testimony has convicted me. In my own life I find I all too frequently adopt the dangerously soporific attitude of indifference. I like to be considered a 'safe' person, a boring stick-in-the-mud who doesn't cause disturbances, but tonight I am ashamed of that. Of course it's easier to say nothing; of course it's safer to keep quiet about what you stand for; of course it's more comfortable to blend in with the crowd; but I will never abolish the "slave traders" of this world if I do.

Hymn

Teach me, O Lord, to follow Him who trod

With loving zeal the pathway to His God;

Help me to rest my faith on Him alone

Who died for my transgression to atone.

Wean my rebellious heart from earthly things,

Show me the Fount whence living water springs;

Teach me to feel that, when afflictions come,

They're sent in love, to turn my thoughts to home.

So may I live, that in my daily race

The things of God may hold the highest place;

So may I die, that death to me may be

The opening dawn of immortality.

N. Lambert

Random musings... from a much-contented music student

The semester is nearly over!!! I have so much to be thankful for. I'm starting to get into holiday mode. With the weight of most of my assignments off my shoulders, I feel the need for... hot chocolate... and a good night's rest... with maybe a movie played on my laptop while snuggled up in bed... perhaps the faint strains of Louis Armstrong's or the Ten Tenors' "Wonderful World" echoing softly in the background...

Only the sudden realization that one of my library books is now overdue can somewhat temper my contentment... Oh well, I suppose one can't have everything!

Reflections of a sheep

Isn't it amazing how small things become so dear to you? Things like hugs from your brother or sister, flowers, a lift home from a friend, the moment you realize a baby is growing up, a phone call from a dear friend that lives far away, assignments that you put your heart and soul into so that you feel lost after you've handed them in, a favourite book you rediscover, colours bursting through everything around you, homemade cooking, birds singing, music...

Beautiful things. Simple things. Cherished things. Things I take for granted.

Yesterday I handed in two large assignments, one of them I'd been working on for the past month or so. I awakened this morning to what felt like a whole new world, a world where I can have conversations that last more than 2 minutes with my little brother, have coffee with my mother and sister, take the time to let my older brother know that I miss him, show my parents how much I love them through simple tasks... It's a beautiful world again!

University is great, I enjoy learning so much about the world of music, and I'm grateful for all the opportunities it brings, but it has stretched me these past few weeks. I caved into my perfectionist attitude, panicked over each assignment, agonized over my (lack-of) practice, and tried to give the impression I was in control. I wasn't. It was only when I admitted that to myself that I found comfort. God is in control, His outlook is much larger than my own, and no matter how big these assignments appeared to me, they were not to Him. Once I realized that, I tried to live each day for Him, not my assignments, for assignments come and go, but God is forever with me!

So now I find myself in a blissful state of contentment, happy to rediscover the comforts of life. But it is just as easy to give precedence towards bodily comfort instead of to serving God and obeying His Word! How fragile, how insecure, how incredibly sheep-like we humans truly are! If only we would trustingly follow the Good Shepherd wherever He leads us, we would take the time to enjoy the blessings He gives us along the way instead of fretting over little things like university assignments we turn our attention to. This little sheep has a lot to learn still!

Abide with me

I've been listening to this hymn quite frequently this past week, so I thought I'd share it with you. It's one of my all-time favourite hymns...

Abide with me; fast flows the eventide;

The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its ebb flows out life's little day;

Earth's joys grow dim, its glories pass away;

Change and decay in all around I see;

O Thou Who changest not, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.

What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?

Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?

Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe with Thee at hand to bless;

Ills have no weight and tears no bitterness.

Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?

I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;

Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.

Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;

In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Henry F. Lyte 1793-1847

Preoccupation with the temporal instead of devotion to the eternal

Reading over my past few posts, I feel I have given a pretty clear idea of how filled up my life is with music at present. What may not be so obvious, however, is how much I want to glorify God throughout all my life. It's not that surprising to me, for I'm quite a shy person about the subjects that are closest to my heart, but it's an essential part of my life that I'd hate to be oblivious to those that stumble across my mumblings.

Well, I feel the need to bring up the subject of glorifying God on here because I feel it's an area that I've let slip by while I've been swamped with assignments these past few weeks. I don't mean to convey that I forgot my commitments to church or anything, but I became so focused on getting my work done that I forgot that God should be placed first in my life no matter what I am doing. I found myself so tired at night that my Bible readings would get shorter and shorter, my prayers would frequently end in my slumber, and I would awake wondering what university work I needed to get done that day. In short, university was quickly become the focus of my life Monday-Saturday.

I'm grieved to discover how easily I neglected the most important Person in my entire life, the One Who is infinitely more impressive than the greatest composer in history, infinitely more powerful than my scariest lecturer. I would give Him fleeting praise as I thanked Him for my food, taking His gifts as a matter of course, and then hurry on my way to class or my homework.

I think I only came to realize how much I'd neglected my relationship with Him when I sat down to read my Bible before bed. Suddenly I found I couldn't recall anything of the past week that related to my walk with God, not a single prayer that I had earnestly brought before Him, a time that I'd set aside to thank Him personally for blessings I'd appreciated, not even an occasion where I'd grieved for my sin and asked for His forgiveness. It made me realise how focused I'd become on *me*. My concerns were enveloping me to the extent where I even hesitated to make time for my family.

Now that I've noticed how selfish I've been I'm determined to change. Having said that, a lot of my time today has been spent on the couch nutting away at an assignment that's due in a few days. But I'm trying. I really do want to have God in the centre of my doings because He is the most important Person in my life, One deserving of all my praise, all my life. Isaac Watts' hymn expresses it so well:

1.  When I survey the wondrous cross   

 on which the Prince of Glory died; 

   my richest gain I count but loss,  

  and pour contempt on all my pride.  

 2. Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,   

 save in the death of Christ, my God;   

 all the vain things that charm me most,   

 I sacrifice them to his blood.   

3. See, from his head, his hands, his feet,

 sorrow and love flow mingled down.   

 Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,   

 or thorns compose so rich a crown?  

4. Were the whole realm of nature mine,   

 that were an offering far too small;   

 love so amazing, so divine,   

 demands my soul, my life, my all.  

Powerful words. Even the whole realm of nature is insufficient to offer God in appreciation for His love. I can never thank or praise Him enough, but I want to use the gifts and qualities God has given me for His glory. I want to use the language of music to praise Him for all He is and has done. When I started my musical journey of discovery at university I delighted to delve into the marvelous mystery that was music, knowing that God had given us this gift. It is by no means wrong to delight in God's gifts, but it is wrong to value the gift more than the Giver. :-)

Psalm 139: 14 says, "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."

Learning to enjoy performing

Today I have a terrific opportunity to see how well I can "speak musically" under pressure. I am one of a few students performing at the Performance Practice Class at uni today. While these classes can occasionally seem long and boring when you are in the audience, they suddenly come to life in an almost alarming manner when you are one of the ones called upon to perform! But I'm coming to realise these classes are like training wheels to us musicians. We are able to practise performing in an environment where it will not matter if we stumble or fall off occasionally, because our musical peers are around us to encourage us to pick ourselves up and try again. The professional world outside of uni might not necessarily be so supportive!

As I begin to understand this, I find I am developing a desire to perform, to have a go, to prove to myself and those around me all my years of playing have produced something. The perfectionist within me keeps urging me to wait until I'm more accomplished, until I'm as good as those around me, until I can be assured of performing without failing. I have dutifully followed my inner perfectionist's voice for years, but I've recently discovered to my shock that it isn't perfect itself! It has been fed on fear for years, and isn't always able to rationally assess situations, to take into consideration outside factors.

So, to bring it back to this afternoon, I hope I can detach myself from my perfectionist side and release my musical side. Don't get me wrong, I would love it if the two combine, but all too frequently in the past the perfectionist within has dictated terms so that my musical side has fallen meekly into submission, and I feel frustrated that I wasn't able to achieve what I wanted to. My new goal, I've decided, is to enjoy my performances, to listen to my playing without censoring it, for then the inner musician will take over and I'll taste the delight of conversing in music. After all, if I can do it in my lounge room, why not a performance hall?

A linguistical discovery pertaining to a much understated dialect

It's late. My practical brain tells me I should be asleep, or at least on my way towards it. But I'm not. And I don't wish to be, for I am indulging in a discovery I made concerning a delightful language I'm learning. It's an emotional language that requires dedication and constant engagement if one wishes to develop an adequate vocabulary. It's a universal language, spoken in different dialects all across the world. It's a personal language, one which not everyone fully understands. It's the language of music.

I've been learning this language since I was 5 years old. I'm now 19 and a half. But today I felt that I realised a whole new world of possibilities. I discovered that as well as a student of this language, I am also a creator of it, that no one will ever speak it exactly the same way as I do, whether it be through the medium of composition, arrangement, or performance. Each time I listen to an artist, I am presented with a picture, an emotion, a colour they have strived to create and express. Maybe I will like it; maybe I will not. Perhaps I will thrill with excitement and awe; perhaps I will cringe in pain. Similarly, each time I play my music, the one who listens will respond in some way.

Perhaps this sounds crazy. Perhaps it sounds obvious. To me it sounds life-changing.

From today I will probably define the role of any true music teacher as that of aiding their student to express their own interpretation of a piece of music. At first, they probably need to present their pupil with a definite tone or colour to create, as most early learners don't yet realize what they are out to achieve (For a beginner pianist, the early excitements and achievements come in learning middle C is middle C; in learning "Chopsticks" or "Fur Elise"; in passing an exam or two. I speak from experience, can you tell?!). But the next or concurrent stage is to help their charge to cultivate an ear for music, not just notes. From there they are to assist them to express the music they hear and feel to the best of their ability. I was told from an early age I had a good ear for music, but I seem to have stumbled at the next hurdle. For years I have waited to be told *how* to play, assuming that to successfully create music by myself I had to somehow imitate what those far above me in terms of technique, experience, and opportunities were doing. Until today I never fully understood the freedom I have as a musician in my own right. I am not just one of thousands and thousands of music students listening wistfully to the famous artists all around the globe! I have tutors all around me from whom I learn much, but from me they too will learn, albeit a tiny, almost insignificant modicum it may seem.

How I finally discovered this will unfortunately take too long to recount here and now, but as my musical journey continues I know I will look back on today as the day when I acknowledged how important music is as a language to me. I think I now long to speak it even better than I speak English. So much of playing music requires listening to yourself, something I have struggled with constantly. Discovering what I did today, I now want to play more and more, and listen to every note, asking myself as I go whether I am expressing myself as fully as I would wish to, whether I am conveying to those around me the sense of awe and thankfulness I feel to God for His gift of music. I declare I would sacrifice my sleep to play the piano if I could do so without disturbing my family and neighbours. But as I cannot, I can do the next best thing, and sleep so I may be refreshed to play tomorrow. Goodnight!

You are My King (Amazing Love)

Loving this song at the moment, thought I'd share it with you. How awesome, how incredible, how amazing that Jesus, my KING, should die for me? Truly He is the Leader worth following all through life's journey.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken

I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You
In all I do, I honor You

You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, to honor You

In all I do, to honor You,
In all I do, Let me honor You.

Words & Music by Billy James Foote

Not *more* music, surely?!

Did you ever wonder how much work it would be to catalog the contents of a university choir library? Well, wonder no more, for let me reveal to you the answer: a lot. Yesterday two of my university buddies and I set out on the adventure of a lifetime: delving through, tidying, and rearranging cupboards & filing cabinet drawers filled with long-lost musical scores in varying size, condition, and cleanliness. Whilst it was an interesting exercise in patience, orderliness, and endurance, I hope I shan't have to undertake another such endeavour for quite some time.

But what did I take away from this experience? Did I spend all that time and only come away with pages of paper filled with names and numbers, dirty hands, and ? When I listen to the indignant voices of my sore fingers, tired body, and feeble brain, they cause me to reply, "Yes," but when I look away from my own cares, I realize all that my friends & I achieved, the trials we overcame, the perseverance we showed, the conversations we shared, and I find I look at the day with very different eyes. Suddenly I recall the shouts of laughter that were frequently interspersed amidst the despairing wails. After all, who would have believed how much fun encountering odd and unusual names, creating large stacks of musical scores, and recreating neat, orderly shelves out of a forebodingly disheveled cupboard would be?!

So why do I bother to tell you all this? Partly to stop myself grumbling, I must admit, for I can be a very selfish creature and like to wile away hours pleasing no one but myself, I fear. It may be comfortable to be selfish, but it can never be as rewarding as my sinful nature would have me believe. To recall all these valuable lessons should help me in my efforts to overcome my indolence, I hope.

But I'd like to think this post tells you a little more about the funny creature you've encountered. I am, I admit, quite an odd person, and find it fascinating to look at the mundane events of life from different angles. :-)

What on earth am I doing here?!?!

Wow, this is just a little bit weird. Here I am, starting a blog that I'm on the verge of hoping no one discovers... which isn't really how it's supposed to be, I'm guessing. Most probably the whole point of typing out thoughts or fragments of thoughts and then posting them on the internet is that other people will read them then agree or disagree with you. Scary thought, especially when the typist happens to be a perfectionist, a peacemaker by nature, and a strangely muddled mix of both introverted & extroverted tendencies.

So, why am I doing this? Surely no one is forcing me to start this blog, I have no hidden agenda in starting a blog (i.e., I'm not recruiting people to join me in my efforts to take over the world... yet), and I really don't know where this whole adventure will take me. I could, I guess, give up this risky endeavour straight away and no one would ever know...

Nevertheless, I'm persevering for a little while at least, for I'd like you, whoever you are, to know a little about the strange human being who has intrigued you enough to cause you to read this wandering post.

I'd like to introduce myself, but I am afraid that means stating bald facts on a computer screen. Facts like, "I am Bronwyn Nicholson," and "I have 3 siblings, and am all the better for them." Terribly boring, I know, and yet to write a florid paragraph relating my life's history to you is the other extreme, which, whilst more interesting reading perhaps, feels a bit too melodramatic for my liking! So, I'm afraid you'll have to form your own idea of who I am from the few truths I will eke out from time to time. It will have to suffice for me today to tell you I am a 19-year-old Christian girl, seeking to glorify God and grow in faith day-by-day through the work of the Holy Spirit living within me. :-) These are the most important things about me, but I promise I will elaborate in later posts, whenever they may occur.

Thanks for joining me in my adventure. We've only just begun! :-)