Learning to enjoy performing

Today I have a terrific opportunity to see how well I can "speak musically" under pressure. I am one of a few students performing at the Performance Practice Class at uni today. While these classes can occasionally seem long and boring when you are in the audience, they suddenly come to life in an almost alarming manner when you are one of the ones called upon to perform! But I'm coming to realise these classes are like training wheels to us musicians. We are able to practise performing in an environment where it will not matter if we stumble or fall off occasionally, because our musical peers are around us to encourage us to pick ourselves up and try again. The professional world outside of uni might not necessarily be so supportive!

As I begin to understand this, I find I am developing a desire to perform, to have a go, to prove to myself and those around me all my years of playing have produced something. The perfectionist within me keeps urging me to wait until I'm more accomplished, until I'm as good as those around me, until I can be assured of performing without failing. I have dutifully followed my inner perfectionist's voice for years, but I've recently discovered to my shock that it isn't perfect itself! It has been fed on fear for years, and isn't always able to rationally assess situations, to take into consideration outside factors.

So, to bring it back to this afternoon, I hope I can detach myself from my perfectionist side and release my musical side. Don't get me wrong, I would love it if the two combine, but all too frequently in the past the perfectionist within has dictated terms so that my musical side has fallen meekly into submission, and I feel frustrated that I wasn't able to achieve what I wanted to. My new goal, I've decided, is to enjoy my performances, to listen to my playing without censoring it, for then the inner musician will take over and I'll taste the delight of conversing in music. After all, if I can do it in my lounge room, why not a performance hall?