Preoccupation with the temporal instead of devotion to the eternal

Reading over my past few posts, I feel I have given a pretty clear idea of how filled up my life is with music at present. What may not be so obvious, however, is how much I want to glorify God throughout all my life. It's not that surprising to me, for I'm quite a shy person about the subjects that are closest to my heart, but it's an essential part of my life that I'd hate to be oblivious to those that stumble across my mumblings.

Well, I feel the need to bring up the subject of glorifying God on here because I feel it's an area that I've let slip by while I've been swamped with assignments these past few weeks. I don't mean to convey that I forgot my commitments to church or anything, but I became so focused on getting my work done that I forgot that God should be placed first in my life no matter what I am doing. I found myself so tired at night that my Bible readings would get shorter and shorter, my prayers would frequently end in my slumber, and I would awake wondering what university work I needed to get done that day. In short, university was quickly become the focus of my life Monday-Saturday.

I'm grieved to discover how easily I neglected the most important Person in my entire life, the One Who is infinitely more impressive than the greatest composer in history, infinitely more powerful than my scariest lecturer. I would give Him fleeting praise as I thanked Him for my food, taking His gifts as a matter of course, and then hurry on my way to class or my homework.

I think I only came to realize how much I'd neglected my relationship with Him when I sat down to read my Bible before bed. Suddenly I found I couldn't recall anything of the past week that related to my walk with God, not a single prayer that I had earnestly brought before Him, a time that I'd set aside to thank Him personally for blessings I'd appreciated, not even an occasion where I'd grieved for my sin and asked for His forgiveness. It made me realise how focused I'd become on *me*. My concerns were enveloping me to the extent where I even hesitated to make time for my family.

Now that I've noticed how selfish I've been I'm determined to change. Having said that, a lot of my time today has been spent on the couch nutting away at an assignment that's due in a few days. But I'm trying. I really do want to have God in the centre of my doings because He is the most important Person in my life, One deserving of all my praise, all my life. Isaac Watts' hymn expresses it so well:

1.  When I survey the wondrous cross   

 on which the Prince of Glory died; 

   my richest gain I count but loss,  

  and pour contempt on all my pride.  

 2. Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,   

 save in the death of Christ, my God;   

 all the vain things that charm me most,   

 I sacrifice them to his blood.   

3. See, from his head, his hands, his feet,

 sorrow and love flow mingled down.   

 Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,   

 or thorns compose so rich a crown?  

4. Were the whole realm of nature mine,   

 that were an offering far too small;   

 love so amazing, so divine,   

 demands my soul, my life, my all.  

Powerful words. Even the whole realm of nature is insufficient to offer God in appreciation for His love. I can never thank or praise Him enough, but I want to use the gifts and qualities God has given me for His glory. I want to use the language of music to praise Him for all He is and has done. When I started my musical journey of discovery at university I delighted to delve into the marvelous mystery that was music, knowing that God had given us this gift. It is by no means wrong to delight in God's gifts, but it is wrong to value the gift more than the Giver. :-)

Psalm 139: 14 says, "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."

Learning to enjoy performing

Today I have a terrific opportunity to see how well I can "speak musically" under pressure. I am one of a few students performing at the Performance Practice Class at uni today. While these classes can occasionally seem long and boring when you are in the audience, they suddenly come to life in an almost alarming manner when you are one of the ones called upon to perform! But I'm coming to realise these classes are like training wheels to us musicians. We are able to practise performing in an environment where it will not matter if we stumble or fall off occasionally, because our musical peers are around us to encourage us to pick ourselves up and try again. The professional world outside of uni might not necessarily be so supportive!

As I begin to understand this, I find I am developing a desire to perform, to have a go, to prove to myself and those around me all my years of playing have produced something. The perfectionist within me keeps urging me to wait until I'm more accomplished, until I'm as good as those around me, until I can be assured of performing without failing. I have dutifully followed my inner perfectionist's voice for years, but I've recently discovered to my shock that it isn't perfect itself! It has been fed on fear for years, and isn't always able to rationally assess situations, to take into consideration outside factors.

So, to bring it back to this afternoon, I hope I can detach myself from my perfectionist side and release my musical side. Don't get me wrong, I would love it if the two combine, but all too frequently in the past the perfectionist within has dictated terms so that my musical side has fallen meekly into submission, and I feel frustrated that I wasn't able to achieve what I wanted to. My new goal, I've decided, is to enjoy my performances, to listen to my playing without censoring it, for then the inner musician will take over and I'll taste the delight of conversing in music. After all, if I can do it in my lounge room, why not a performance hall?

A linguistical discovery pertaining to a much understated dialect

It's late. My practical brain tells me I should be asleep, or at least on my way towards it. But I'm not. And I don't wish to be, for I am indulging in a discovery I made concerning a delightful language I'm learning. It's an emotional language that requires dedication and constant engagement if one wishes to develop an adequate vocabulary. It's a universal language, spoken in different dialects all across the world. It's a personal language, one which not everyone fully understands. It's the language of music.

I've been learning this language since I was 5 years old. I'm now 19 and a half. But today I felt that I realised a whole new world of possibilities. I discovered that as well as a student of this language, I am also a creator of it, that no one will ever speak it exactly the same way as I do, whether it be through the medium of composition, arrangement, or performance. Each time I listen to an artist, I am presented with a picture, an emotion, a colour they have strived to create and express. Maybe I will like it; maybe I will not. Perhaps I will thrill with excitement and awe; perhaps I will cringe in pain. Similarly, each time I play my music, the one who listens will respond in some way.

Perhaps this sounds crazy. Perhaps it sounds obvious. To me it sounds life-changing.

From today I will probably define the role of any true music teacher as that of aiding their student to express their own interpretation of a piece of music. At first, they probably need to present their pupil with a definite tone or colour to create, as most early learners don't yet realize what they are out to achieve (For a beginner pianist, the early excitements and achievements come in learning middle C is middle C; in learning "Chopsticks" or "Fur Elise"; in passing an exam or two. I speak from experience, can you tell?!). But the next or concurrent stage is to help their charge to cultivate an ear for music, not just notes. From there they are to assist them to express the music they hear and feel to the best of their ability. I was told from an early age I had a good ear for music, but I seem to have stumbled at the next hurdle. For years I have waited to be told *how* to play, assuming that to successfully create music by myself I had to somehow imitate what those far above me in terms of technique, experience, and opportunities were doing. Until today I never fully understood the freedom I have as a musician in my own right. I am not just one of thousands and thousands of music students listening wistfully to the famous artists all around the globe! I have tutors all around me from whom I learn much, but from me they too will learn, albeit a tiny, almost insignificant modicum it may seem.

How I finally discovered this will unfortunately take too long to recount here and now, but as my musical journey continues I know I will look back on today as the day when I acknowledged how important music is as a language to me. I think I now long to speak it even better than I speak English. So much of playing music requires listening to yourself, something I have struggled with constantly. Discovering what I did today, I now want to play more and more, and listen to every note, asking myself as I go whether I am expressing myself as fully as I would wish to, whether I am conveying to those around me the sense of awe and thankfulness I feel to God for His gift of music. I declare I would sacrifice my sleep to play the piano if I could do so without disturbing my family and neighbours. But as I cannot, I can do the next best thing, and sleep so I may be refreshed to play tomorrow. Goodnight!

You are My King (Amazing Love)

Loving this song at the moment, thought I'd share it with you. How awesome, how incredible, how amazing that Jesus, my KING, should die for me? Truly He is the Leader worth following all through life's journey.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken

I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted, You were condemned
I’m alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You
In all I do, I honor You

You are my King
You are my King
Jesus, You are my King
You are my King

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true
It’s my joy to honor You
In all I do, to honor You

In all I do, to honor You,
In all I do, Let me honor You.

Words & Music by Billy James Foote

Not *more* music, surely?!

Did you ever wonder how much work it would be to catalog the contents of a university choir library? Well, wonder no more, for let me reveal to you the answer: a lot. Yesterday two of my university buddies and I set out on the adventure of a lifetime: delving through, tidying, and rearranging cupboards & filing cabinet drawers filled with long-lost musical scores in varying size, condition, and cleanliness. Whilst it was an interesting exercise in patience, orderliness, and endurance, I hope I shan't have to undertake another such endeavour for quite some time.

But what did I take away from this experience? Did I spend all that time and only come away with pages of paper filled with names and numbers, dirty hands, and ? When I listen to the indignant voices of my sore fingers, tired body, and feeble brain, they cause me to reply, "Yes," but when I look away from my own cares, I realize all that my friends & I achieved, the trials we overcame, the perseverance we showed, the conversations we shared, and I find I look at the day with very different eyes. Suddenly I recall the shouts of laughter that were frequently interspersed amidst the despairing wails. After all, who would have believed how much fun encountering odd and unusual names, creating large stacks of musical scores, and recreating neat, orderly shelves out of a forebodingly disheveled cupboard would be?!

So why do I bother to tell you all this? Partly to stop myself grumbling, I must admit, for I can be a very selfish creature and like to wile away hours pleasing no one but myself, I fear. It may be comfortable to be selfish, but it can never be as rewarding as my sinful nature would have me believe. To recall all these valuable lessons should help me in my efforts to overcome my indolence, I hope.

But I'd like to think this post tells you a little more about the funny creature you've encountered. I am, I admit, quite an odd person, and find it fascinating to look at the mundane events of life from different angles. :-)

What on earth am I doing here?!?!

Wow, this is just a little bit weird. Here I am, starting a blog that I'm on the verge of hoping no one discovers... which isn't really how it's supposed to be, I'm guessing. Most probably the whole point of typing out thoughts or fragments of thoughts and then posting them on the internet is that other people will read them then agree or disagree with you. Scary thought, especially when the typist happens to be a perfectionist, a peacemaker by nature, and a strangely muddled mix of both introverted & extroverted tendencies.

So, why am I doing this? Surely no one is forcing me to start this blog, I have no hidden agenda in starting a blog (i.e., I'm not recruiting people to join me in my efforts to take over the world... yet), and I really don't know where this whole adventure will take me. I could, I guess, give up this risky endeavour straight away and no one would ever know...

Nevertheless, I'm persevering for a little while at least, for I'd like you, whoever you are, to know a little about the strange human being who has intrigued you enough to cause you to read this wandering post.

I'd like to introduce myself, but I am afraid that means stating bald facts on a computer screen. Facts like, "I am Bronwyn Nicholson," and "I have 3 siblings, and am all the better for them." Terribly boring, I know, and yet to write a florid paragraph relating my life's history to you is the other extreme, which, whilst more interesting reading perhaps, feels a bit too melodramatic for my liking! So, I'm afraid you'll have to form your own idea of who I am from the few truths I will eke out from time to time. It will have to suffice for me today to tell you I am a 19-year-old Christian girl, seeking to glorify God and grow in faith day-by-day through the work of the Holy Spirit living within me. :-) These are the most important things about me, but I promise I will elaborate in later posts, whenever they may occur.

Thanks for joining me in my adventure. We've only just begun! :-)