Does it sound awfully melodramatic if I say the price has been my health? Yes, I'm afraid it does. Immediately I picture myself as a worn-out hypochondriac wearying the world with her excuses of fatigue, dizziness, and sheer exhaustion! What an active imagination I must have. I hope it makes you smile. :-)
But seriously, all the events of last year have finally caught up with me and now I am submitting more or less meekly to my body's demands for rest. Ruefully I recall repeated entreaties from concerned friends and family not to overdo things last year. And yet, I was convinced for much of the time that I could manage my workload without overtaxing myself. Of course as the year wore on I began to realise how all my endeavours were wearing me down, but try telling a self-confessed perfectionist she cannot do everything! I knew I was pushing it, trying to pull off everything I had committed myself to, but I couldn't bring myself to drop anything. Somehow by God's grace I managed to complete everything without letting anyone down, and for that I give thanks.
Don't misunderstand me, I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of my commitments, and truly gained much experience from them, but it was so hard to smile and pretend to be fine when I knew I was half a step away from having a meltdown (sounds better than a breakdown!). I coped because I had to, but there were moments when I couldn't pretend, and they were the hardest of all. Increasingly social gatherings became more and more difficult as I found it too tiring to start conversations or even follow other people's, and so I would try to sit by myself and zone out from it all. It's only natural, I suppose, that people should have been surprised to find me such a worn-out shadow when I hadn't the energy to pretend otherwise, but it hurt how such people couldn't understand how that was actually part of the *real* me.
Now, of course, I am paying for the indefatigable facade I created for myself, and I must admit it hurts my pride a little to have to convince people that I am indeed exhausted. I have a horror of sounding like a drama queen who exaggerates her situation in order to get sympathy, but how do you tell active, healthy people that some days it wears you out just to sit up in a chair and talk, and that after 2 weeks of barely stirring outside of the house you still don't feel any better? I suppose I sound a little bitter, but I'm trying not to be. I'm occasionally frustrated at my situation, but I'm trying to be patient and ride it out. I also know if I try to do too much too soon I'll probably make it all much worse. :-P
The thing is, so many of us take our health for granted (now I sound middle-aged and balding!). I know I did. I don't like being stuck in bed or at home on the couch! But it has been good for me, very good for me, for it has forced me to look at the reasons why I want my strength back. Why am I asking God to give me back my strength and health? What would I use it for? Do I only want it so I can misuse it again? How can I use my health better for His glory? These are not questions I have answers for, but I am trying to seek them out. For one thing, I know I want to live as an active Christian at my university and work, seeking to be known as a Christian as well as a musician and friendly person, seeking to show them something of the beauty and magnitude and comfort of Christ's love.
In the meantime, I'm continuing to nut it out at home, looking for opportunities to use this time wisely, to be helpful around the house without tiring myself out and to help others when I can, even if it means being creative! I have also been to the doctor and had a blood test, for if there is anything seriously wrong with me I'd rather know now than in the middle of semester! But it could just as easily be a persistent virus that has decided it likes me very much, so I'm not overly anxious (I think!). At any rate, God is using this time to teach me patience, so I am trying to make the most of it. Surely the year will fly past before I know it, so I may as well enjoy the slowness of these weeks while I can.
Thanks for reading my ramblings throughout the past year. I have been very inconsistent and sporadic in my postings, but I shall try and write more insightful posts throughout the year when I find the time. In the meantime I shall leave you with these verses from Proverbs that the visiting preacher reminded us of on the first Sunday of this year. :-)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
