Sunshine

Dearie me, where has time gone? No doubt many bored people who have stumbled across this page must think I've gone into hibernation for the winter. Perhaps I did.

But I'm back now and much rejuvenated from my gloriously sunny sojourn in Qld. So many precious moments of laughter, tears, and simple tranquility made my journey a gift, but there is one moment I particularly want to share with you, for it has greatly affected my outlook in the last couple of days.

It started out as a simple remark at the breakfast table one day last week. The weather hadn't quite made up its mind what it was doing yet, being neither warm & welcoming nor cold & discouraging, and the sun was still trying to decide whether to come out from its hiding place or not. As we mused over what the outcome would be, someone (I think it was my best friend's mother) made the observation that the sun would still keep shining even if it was covered by the clouds. In the end I don't remember exactly how the weather played out but the comment stuck.

A few days later I flew back to Melbourne. The plane was high in the sky, and all around us was blue sky and sunshine. It was such a glorious sight that my heart sang for joy. Soon afterwards the plane began its descent into Melbourne, and the clouds became increasingly prominent. My heart sank as the cheerful abandon above the clouds gave way to a darker, doleful atmosphere. All that glorious sunshine, all that clear blue sky... gone in just a few hundred/thousand feet.

But it isn't, I remembered in a flash. The sun is still shining! It wasn't merely a philosophic statement anymore, I knew it... I saw it... I experienced it.

So, moments later as I stood shivering in Melbourne's idea of a typical winter day -- for the record, I much prefer Brisbane's, but that's beside the point! -- over and over I repeated to myself, The sun is still shining, the sun is still shining...

So now, when dark, depressing clouds loom in my horizon, I look up, smile, and remember the sun is still shining. And not only that, the Son is always shining and always will be, even for Eternity...

A composer's lot...

... is to try, try, again... until you succeed... in capturing a concept that works... even if it comes... right on bedtime...

*hours later*

What am I doing again?! Does this even work?! What time is it?! What day is it?!

Welcome to a taste of my semester! Don't dream about secundal, quartal, or quintal harmony, poly-chords, violent clusters, or klangfarbenmelodie now. :-p

Friendships

This evening I rediscovered a friend of mine. A greatly beloved friend. A neglected friend.

I did not find this friend via Facebook. I did not receive a random phone call, text, or email, and I did not accidentally bump into this friend down the street. Yet we still met.

Our conversation was stilted at first. It was awkward. It was sad. We used to be *so* close, we had talked for hours... shared so many precious moments... laughed, cried, and danced together... But tonight neither of us knew what to say.

After the initial embarrassment over our estranged relationship had passed, we started interacting. Slowly, cautiously interacting, but it was contact. And it was beautiful.

So who exactly is this friend and how did we reconnect?

All in good time...

Meanwhile... I have decided to leave Facebook, a move I have been contemplating seriously since university started back 8 weeks ago. I'm in my 3rd year of my Bachelor of Music degree, and I want to make the most of the opportunities university presents me with. With my health still unstable, I am trying to be smarter with my time this year, a task made a lot harder by the soporific drug that is Facebook! I confess, I have found that any time I need a break from study my internet browser effortlessly finds its way to Facebook, and suddenly a 5-minute break escalates to 30 minutes or more. There are too many photos to view, games to play, comments, perspectives, and debates to follow. I could shrug off my frequent procrastination and argue that I am merely 'connecting' with my friends, some of whom I have not seen for years, but deep down I know more times than not I end up restless and discontented after my 'time-out'. That's not the person I want to become.

But there is another reason why I am leaving Facebook. Communication is a two-way street, a street I don't always travel very well, I'm afraid, as the introvert inside me is hesitant to *initiate* conversation with a majority of my friends, never quite confident enough to believe people will be glad to hear from me. (What an insult to my friends' integrity and kindness!) How much easier it is to hide behind the shadow of Facebook and view people's pages and believe one has connected with them. But someone's Facebook page is not who they really are. It only shows what a person chooses to reveal of themselves through their comments, photos, debates, etc. Of course, one might argue that is the same for all forms of communication, but these other forms are at least mutual interaction, i.e. letters/emails/faxes/phone calls sent from one person to the other. Facebook allows you to gain all this information without the other person knowing. I'm tired, I'm probably waffling, but I hope you can gather what I'm trying to say.

I am actually a very shy person at heart (some of my acquaintance may find that hard to believe, but it's true!), I am uncomfortable voluntarily sharing information about myself, and I'd hate to think people judge me by my Facebook page! That's partially why I started this blog, although I came awfully close to deleting it straight away! I want it to be a practical means whereby I can share what's happening in my life with people that are interested in more than the 2-minute-noodles version provided by Facebook.

Facebook is not a bad invention if used wisely. I just don't know that I can use it wisely.

Now, to return to my friend I mentioned earlier, whom you have probably all forgotten about by now! This friend is... my violin. Ever since I succumbed to my illness (cytomegloid virus, if anyone is interested) I have entirely abandoned my violin, although we were drifting apart much earlier than that. But a friend at uni has asked me to play a piece for her organ exam at the end of the year, and so, on a whim, I decided to take out my violin and see what I have been missing these past few months. With my focus on piano these past few years, my tone and technique have deteriorated, but it felt *so* good to rediscover what used to be a treasure. Suddenly I was 7 years old again, in my violin teacher's home with his painting of Beethoven looking down on me and his cookie jar filled with sweets beckoning invitingly in the corner. Happy memories...

This really has been a rambling post, hasn't it. I'm sorry. But I guess I owed you one after these weeks of silence. Hopefully once I've deactivated my Facebook account I shall find more time to post on here... Here's hoping! Thanks for reading, whoever you are. :-)

Praise You in this Storm

I was sure by now,
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining...

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls,
I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away.

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm,
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are.
No matter where I am,
And every tear I've cried,
You hold in Your hand,
You never left my side.
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again.
My strength is almost gone,
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you."
And as Your mercy falls,
I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills,
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The Maker of Heaven and Earth.

[Chorus]

Lyrics by Mark Hall & Bernie Herms; Sung by Casting Crowns

Do you know?

I found this poem in a book I've been reading, The Unexpected Adventure. The poem is written by a woman called Maggie whose only contact with Christianity had been with hypocrites during her childhood. Later in life she went along to a Christianity vs. atheism debate hoping to hear Christianity publicly disproved but instead was intrigued by the persuasive arguments offered by the Christian debater. Cautiously, she decided to look into Christianity through written letters to the pastor of the church hosting the debate, one of the book's authors. Soon afterwards she joined a small group where she could investigate more and more for herself with the help of the Christian leaders, and consequently wrote this poem to the pastor.

Do you know,

Do you understand,

That you represent

Jesus to me?

Do you know,

Do you understand,

That when you treat me with gentleness,

It raises the question in my mind

That maybe He is gentle too.

Maybe He isn't someone

Who laughs when I am hurt.

Do you know,

Do you understand,

That when you listen to my questions

And you don't laugh,

I think, "What if Jesus is interested in me, too?"

Do you know,

Do you understand,

That when I hear you talk about arguments,

And conflicts and scars from your past,

I think, "Maybe I am just a regular person

Instead of a bad, no-good little girl

Who deserves abuse."

If you care,

I think maybe He cares --

And then there's this flame of hope

That burns inside of me,

And for a while I am afraid to breathe

Because it might go out.

Do you know,

Do you understand,

That your words are His words,

Your face is His face,

To someone like me?

Please, be who you say you are.

Please, God, don't let this be another trick.

Please, let this be real.

Please!

Do you know,

Do you understand,

That you represent

Jesus to me?

What a reminder that if we identify ourselves with Christ we are His ambassadors on earth. How amazing, how humbling, how mind-blowing that God is able to work through poor, sinful humans such as you and me for His glory when we walk with Him.

Count Your Blessings

(I needed this, and thought I'd share with you also.)

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

(Chorus)

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings -- every doubt will fly,

And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings -- wealth can never buy

Your reward in Heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged, God is over all;

Count your many blessings, angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Indescribable

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea

Creation's revealing Your majesty.

From the colours of fall to the fragrance of spring

Every creature unique in the song that it sings,

All exclaiming...

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

You are amazing, God.

All-powerful, untamable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim,

"You are amazing, God."

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go,

Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow?

Who imagined the sun and gave source to its light,

{And} yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night?

None can fathom...

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

You are amazing, God.

All-powerful, untamable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim,

"You are amazing, God."

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.

You are amazing, God.

Incomparable, unchangeable,

You see the depths of my heart, yet You love me the same.

You are amazing, God.

~Lyrics by Laura Story, sung by Chris Tomlin

Smile

Smile- though your heart is aching -

Smile- even though its breaking -

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow.

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For you.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide any trace of sadness,

Although a tear may be ever so near.

That's the time you must keep on trying,

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you'll just

Smile.

Turner & Parsons, music by Charlie Chaplin

Ramblings from a patient learning patience

Happy New Year! It's been a while since I've blogged, hasn't it. Fact is, life has been so topsy-turvy for the past couple of months that I haven't known where to start whenever I felt the urge to write. University exams & results, interstate adventures, intense moments of stretching, and the wonder of Christmas celebrated with friends and family have all been so precious, but as with so many things in this life, they have come at a price.

Does it sound awfully melodramatic if I say the price has been my health? Yes, I'm afraid it does. Immediately I picture myself as a worn-out hypochondriac wearying the world with her excuses of fatigue, dizziness, and sheer exhaustion! What an active imagination I must have. I hope it makes you smile. :-)

But seriously, all the events of last year have finally caught up with me and now I am submitting more or less meekly to my body's demands for rest. Ruefully I recall repeated entreaties from concerned friends and family not to overdo things last year. And yet, I was convinced for much of the time that I could manage my workload without overtaxing myself. Of course as the year wore on I began to realise how all my endeavours were wearing me down, but try telling a self-confessed perfectionist she cannot do everything! I knew I was pushing it, trying to pull off everything I had committed myself to, but I couldn't bring myself to drop anything. Somehow by God's grace I managed to complete everything without letting anyone down, and for that I give thanks.

Don't misunderstand me, I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of my commitments, and truly gained much experience from them, but it was so hard to smile and pretend to be fine when I knew I was half a step away from having a meltdown (sounds better than a breakdown!). I coped because I had to, but there were moments when I couldn't pretend, and they were the hardest of all. Increasingly social gatherings became more and more difficult as I found it too tiring to start conversations or even follow other people's, and so I would try to sit by myself and zone out from it all. It's only natural, I suppose, that people should have been surprised to find me such a worn-out shadow when I hadn't the energy to pretend otherwise, but it hurt how such people couldn't understand how that was actually part of the *real* me.

Now, of course, I am paying for the indefatigable facade I created for myself, and I must admit it hurts my pride a little to have to convince people that I am indeed exhausted. I have a horror of sounding like a drama queen who exaggerates her situation in order to get sympathy, but how do you tell active, healthy people that some days it wears you out just to sit up in a chair and talk, and that after 2 weeks of barely stirring outside of the house you still don't feel any better? I suppose I sound a little bitter, but I'm trying not to be. I'm occasionally frustrated at my situation, but I'm trying to be patient and ride it out. I also know if I try to do too much too soon I'll probably make it all much worse. :-P

The thing is, so many of us take our health for granted (now I sound middle-aged and balding!). I know I did. I don't like being stuck in bed or at home on the couch! But it has been good for me, very good for me, for it has forced me to look at the reasons why I want my strength back. Why am I asking God to give me back my strength and health? What would I use it for? Do I only want it so I can misuse it again? How can I use my health better for His glory? These are not questions I have answers for, but I am trying to seek them out. For one thing, I know I want to live as an active Christian at my university and work, seeking to be known as a Christian as well as a musician and friendly person, seeking to show them something of the beauty and magnitude and comfort of Christ's love.

In the meantime, I'm continuing to nut it out at home, looking for opportunities to use this time wisely, to be helpful around the house without tiring myself out and to help others when I can, even if it means being creative! I have also been to the doctor and had a blood test, for if there is anything seriously wrong with me I'd rather know now than in the middle of semester! But it could just as easily be a persistent virus that has decided it likes me very much, so I'm not overly anxious (I think!). At any rate, God is using this time to teach me patience, so I am trying to make the most of it. Surely the year will fly past before I know it, so I may as well enjoy the slowness of these weeks while I can.

Thanks for reading my ramblings throughout the past year. I have been very inconsistent and sporadic in my postings, but I shall try and write more insightful posts throughout the year when I find the time. In the meantime I shall leave you with these verses from Proverbs that the visiting preacher reminded us of on the first Sunday of this year. :-)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6